Can relationships work if one or both partners have ADHD? The short answer is yes, but it takes understanding, listening, patience and emotional regulation for both parties to make a relationship successful and fulfilling. 

Here, we are exploring the common challenges people with ADHD face in relationships, the strengths and benefits couples may not realise, symptoms that can cause the most issues, relationship advice to keep in mind, and information on how to seek support if you or your partner has ADHD. 

At Augmentive, we aim to provide holistic, tailored mental health support to everyone so they can live their life to the fullest, so if you have questions about ADHD, we can help. 

What is ADHD?

ADHD is an acronym for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, a form of neurodivergence that means a person’s brain is hard-wired differently to neurotypical people. Some of the signs of ADHD in adults you might notice in yourself or a partner include:

• Struggling to maintain attention during long tasks, and missing details
• Making seemingly careless mistakes on a regular basis 
• Struggling to organise tasks and activities, and to manage time
• Regularly losing important things such as keys or phones
• Being forgetful with important things like paying bills or appointments
• Struggling to wait patiently, for example, waiting in a line 
• Exhibiting restless behaviours, such as having difficulty sitting still, or fidgeting 
• Excessively talking, interrupting others, or answering too early
• Becoming easily distracted by unrelated things and external stimuli 

These symptoms can make daily life more challenging, from effectively managing time to finishing tasks, and these issues could begin to affect romantic relationships. 

How can ADHD impact a relationship? 

Many symptoms of ADHD will not only affect the person who lives with the condition, but will likely also affect their closest family members, friends, and their romantic partner. 

"The person suffering might frustrate their partner as they may be unreliable, scatty, disorganised, forget chores they committed to doing and miss deadlines. They may also be impulsive, overactive, loud and overbearing making them exhausting to be with due to their excess energy." - Dr Adrian Lord, Consultant Psychiatrist

Whether in a brand new or a long-term relationship, managing ADHD symptoms can be challenging for couples. For example, the person with ADHD might struggle with inattentiveness, which can lead to misunderstandings about meeting times for dates, unmet emotional needs when discussing feelings, or even feelings of neglect. 

A 2019 study found ADHD symptoms were associated with greater relationship difficulties, so addressing these symptoms and how they impact the other partner can help both parties to remain mindful within the relationship, compromise on what they need from the other person, practice empathy and understanding, and explore coping strategies to address some of their biggest challenges.

What are common relationship challenges when one partner has ADHD? 

The three main areas individuals with ADHD may struggle with are inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity, but there may be a number of smaller, everyday difficulties under these umbrellas causing negative emotions in both partners. Some of the most common challenges faced by couples include:

Inattention issues 

Inattention symptoms can impact a relationship whether both partners have ADHD and show similar symptoms, or one partner is non-ADHD. For example, a person with ADHD might: 

Struggle to sustain attention and focus for long periods of time

Relationships require listening, whether that means processing your partner’s feelings on a subject, or listening to how their day went. An eHarmony survey on the biggest dating trends of 2023 found that 55% of those surveyed feel most loved when their partner acknowledges their emotions. When a partner with ADHD cannot focus or listen attentively enough to acknowledge emotions, this may lead the non-ADHD partner to feel unheard. Similarly, it can cause the person with ADHD to feel disconnected from their partner. 

Forget important details

Whether forgetting an anniversary date or to pick up milk, forgetting key details or instructions could again make a non-ADHD partner feel unheard, and frustrated by having to pick up the slack on their end of the relationship. The ADHD partner will not intend for important details to be missed, so they may feel guilty as a result. 

Make careless mistakes

Relationships require a certain amount of life administration, such as booking activities, and if a person with ADHD makes seemingly careless mistakes, a non-ADHD partner may begin to lose trust and feel they cannot rely on them for help. A person with ADHD may worry about making mistakes that not only impact themselves but also their partner. 

Regularly leave tasks unfinished

Beginning a task and becoming distracted by something new before finishing (common for some people with ADHD) can lead a non-ADHD partner to feel they cannot trust things will get done.

Struggle with organisation

When it comes to keeping track of things, or thinking ahead to plan certain responsibilities, a person with ADHD may not be able to juggle multiple things at once. As a result, a non-ADHD partner could feel they cannot trust their partner to organise things without them, and may become resentful of shouldering the brunt of the organisation. 

Become easily distracted

External stimuli will often grab the attention of a person with ADHD, which can become frustrating for a non-ADHD partner if they are asking for (or expect) the person’s attention for a set period of time. This can also be the case when external stimuli are not involved, as studies find spontaneous mind-wandering is also a common symptom in those with ADHD. 

Hyperactivity 

Hyperactivity symptoms can also affect a relationship in many ways. For example, a person with ADHD may: 

Be physically restless

Actions like fidgeting or constantly moving around can be frustrating or distracting for a non-ADHD partner, and could even induce anxiety.

Be constantly active

A person with hyperactive ADHD may feel the need to be constantly on the go or active, which can be exhausting for a non-ADHD partner. They may feel like they must keep up with the person, or feel guilty for wanting to slow down. Similarly, the ADHD partner may find it frustrating to slow themselves down to match their partner’s pace.  

Talk excessively

Those with hyperactive ADHD symptoms may appear to dominate conversations, which can lead to their partner feeling frustrated and unimportant if they are talked over or not listened to. 

Impulsivity

Impulsivity symptoms can cause friction in relationships too. For example, a person with ADHD might:

Make hasty decisions

Hyperactive symptoms could cause a person with ADHD to jump in and make a decision without their partner, when they should have asked for their input, such as financial decisions. This can make a non-ADHD partner feel that their opinion is unimportant. Similarly, an ADHD partner may feel frustrated that they must slow their pace in order to consult a partner, and may feel they are missing opportunities as a result. 

Interrupt

Those with hyperactive ADHD could unintentionally interrupt their partner during conversations, which could lead to them feeling as though their opinions and thoughts are not important enough.

Blurt out thoughts and opinions

If a person with ADHD tends to say exactly what is in their mind without considering their partner's feelings, this could lead to hurt feelings, or shame in social situations. The person with ADHD may also feel they are constantly having to monitor their comments so they do not offend or upset their partner, or feel guilty about things they say without thinking.

Have emotional outbursts

A person with impulsive ADHD may experience emotional dysregulation and intense reactions to certain triggers, which a non-ADHD partner may struggle to understand. This could put them on edge, or make them worry about triggers coming up in future. 

It is important to acknowledge how high functioning ADHD might impact relationships too. A person with high functioning ADHD may appear to be neurotypical to wider society, and even to close friends, due to the ADHD Iceberg and masking their symptoms. However, this usually means the person has mental systems and physical procedures in place to help them achieve what they want to and fall in line with what their peers expect of them.

This can become more of a challenge in a romantic relationship when a couple spends most of their time together. ADHD masking can only go so far, so a non-ADHD partner may begin to notice some of the above symptoms emerging over time. They may also see the subsequent effects of keeping those symptoms hidden for many years, such as stress, ADHD burnout or ADHD paralysis. 

Are there any benefits to a relationship where one partner has ADHD? 

Any relationship, including one with two neurotypical people, will have both weaknesses and strengths, so having ADHD does not necessarily mean a relationship is difficult 100% of the time. There can be many positives to having at least one ADHD partner in a relationship, such as: 

• A stronger bond after gaining a better understanding and awareness of how the other person functions, makes decisions, and sees the world around them.
• High levels of drive, determination, and perseverance, as identified by a 2022 study. This could help couples achieve an end goal of better communication.  
• Hyperfocus, where a person with ADHD can intensely focus on one particular subject or task for a long time, has been found by studies to benefit relationships. It is thought that this state can be harnessed for certain relevant tasks. 
• Spontaneity, thanks to an ADHD partner’s impulsive symptoms, which could keep the magic and excitement within a relationship.   
• Energy, which can be beneficial when an ADHD partner feels the need to constantly be active and on-the-go. In this case, delegating appropriately can mean the person with ADHD manages tasks that lend themselves to this behaviour. For example, if they are good at whipping around the house and tidying quickly, or they like to run errands around town. 

Every relationship is unique. If two people are drawn together, there will certainly be elements of their personality and behaviours that the other finds endearing, and vice versa. A successful relationship featuring one or more ADHD partners usually entails figuring out what the person’s individual symptoms and struggles are, how they impact different areas of the relationship, and what can be done to manage these symptoms effectively together.  

How can couples maintain a healthy relationship when one or both partners have ADHD? 

"The partners could be assisted by educating themselves or accessing educational materials so they can understand it more and understand it is not their partner being wilfully hopeless when they can’t carry out tasks or sit through films. It is important for couples to learn how be tolerant and understanding." - Dr Adrian Lord, Consultant Psychiatrist

Learning to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship can be challenging when one or both partners have ADHD, but it can be rewarding when you start to better understand the other person’s point of view, and learn coping strategies and communication tools to help. Some things that can positively impact this kind of relationship include:

Communication

Be clear and direct in your communication, especially when managing conflict. Often there is a deeper issue at play than the surface-level issue you are fighting about, so try to dig deeper and figure out what this might be. For example, a partner with ADHD might feel shame about their diagnosis, or a non-ADHD partner could be feeling unimportant when their partner becomes distracted during conversations. 

Studies have found non-ADHD partners may experience dissatisfaction in their relationship and intimacy, so communication is incredibly important in maintaining healthy intimacy and avoiding spouse burnout. Practise active listening so both partners feel heard, and when misunderstandings arise, take time to explain frustrations and how the other person could help, and listen to their perspective too.

Set aside regular time to talk about any struggles and provide emotional support to the other person. If you have ADHD, it may help to find a space with limited distractions to focus on your partner and ensure they feel prioritised. Non-ADHD partners should practise patience and empathy to make their ADHD partner feel safe, validated and accepted when being fully themselves. 

Education

If you have a partner with ADHD, learn more about this in order to better understand their struggles. For example, ADHD often presents differently in women than in men, with women displaying fewer features of hyperactivity and more of inattentiveness. 

As you learn more about the condition, you may start to recognise that ADHD can have high and low moments for both parties in a relationship. Knowing this can help couples to improve their communication and weather future storms with more understanding and acceptance.  

Coping strategies

Certain strategies could help both partners, such as setting up a shared calendar, reminder apps, or other tools to keep you both on the same page about priorities and upcoming plans. When it comes to household responsibilities, it can help to divide and conquer while playing to each other's strengths. For example, if your ADHD partner struggles to tidy up after themselves on a daily basis, discuss the possibility of them taking over the weekly deep clean while you manage the everyday tidying.

Checking in

Aside from improved communication, making sure you check in on the relationship can also help to build a stronger bond that can overcome any day-to-day frustrations. One study on older couples found that when a spouse contributed to goal pursuit they experienced higher relationship satisfaction and support, and less conflict, which led to more progress on their goals. 

Keeping the bigger picture of your mutual goals in mind can help you to remain mindful in the relationship, so set aside time to check in with them regularly, and work towards them together. This could be anything from saving for a house, to improving your communication skills as a couple.

Celebrate small victories and milestones in your relationship to boost your connection. This can also help a person with ADHD to feel more confident that they can achieve the things they want to despite the symptoms they struggle with. 

Addressing shame

Studies have identified feelings of shame connected to stigma around ADHD, which can become an obstacle in a relationship. It is important to talk openly about any feelings of shame with a partner to alleviate them. 

“The shame that people with ADHD, male or female, carry around with them after years and years of being told that they are inadequate is a critical factor when a marriage starts to fall apart... Shame often triggers anger and defensiveness, which can shut down what ought to be a straightforward conversation before it has even begun. Anger, stonewalling, and defensiveness can seem unreasonable to a non-ADHD spouse who, not having experienced this same type of repeated bashing of the ego, doesn’t understand it or interpret it correctly.”
― Melissa Orlov, The ADHD Effect on Marriage

Professional advice

Consider speaking to a professional, such as a therapist or relationship counsellor, who can help you work through any struggles in a safe, neutral environment. Studies suggest those with ADHD view their relationship less positively than neurotypical people, so if you want to improve your connection but are unsure where to begin, seeking professional advice from an ADHD specialist could help you better manage your ADHD and handle conflict appropriately in order to maintain a fulfilling, happy relationship. 

You may find our guide on handling conflict helpful: ADHD & Relationships In Adults: Handling Conflicts Together.

What can I do if I think my partner might have ADHD? 

If you suspect your partner may have undiagnosed ADHD, you should always approach the subject in a compassionate way. Identify the symptoms you believe they are displaying, and how this may be impacting your relationship. When you do this, be prepared to discuss their perspective too, as they may disagree with your assessment. 

Speaking to a professional can help to find out more about ADHD and whether or not your partner’s symptoms fit with an official diagnosis. It is up to them to seek advice or a diagnosis, but you can let them know you are happy to help them manage this if they choose to pursue it further, and will support them along the way. 

What can I do if I think I might have ADHD? 

If the above symptoms sound like they could be present in your life, you may be curious to find out more and seek a diagnosis, treatment and support. Not only can this improve your relationship by promoting greater understanding between you and your partner, but it can positively impact other areas of life too, such as work, school, family relationships, and more. 

It is often best to begin by speaking to your GP for advice on how they can help, and to be added to a waiting list to see an ADHD specialist through the NHS. Waiting times for these appointments can be long, so you may wish to explore private options instead, such as what we offer at Augmentive. You can book a private ADHD assessment or a free 15 minute consultation, which can match you with the best therapist for your situation. For example, an ADHD specialist with experience in helping couples.

We believe all advice and support for those with ADHD is most effective when personalised to the individual. ADHD treatment may involve a combination of medication (you can find out more in our guide to ADHD medication in the UK) and/or therapy options (such as cognitive behavioural therapy), and any treatment recommendations will have been identified specifically to address your needs. 

Whether you’re feeling off-kilter or want to shake up your routine, our state-of-the-art mental wellbeing platform gives you quick and seamless access to world-class support on your terms, from a private adult ADHD assessment or AuDHD assessment, to help finding an ADHD specialist near you to support you on your journey.

If you have a question about mental health, such as what the symptoms are of combined ADHD, we’re here to assist on your journey. Our free 15 minute consultation can guide you to the most relevant specialists to answer your questions and discuss next steps.

DISCLAIMER: The content published by Augmentive is not designed to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any disease or condition. Always consult your GP or a qualified healthcare provider with any questions regarding a medical condition and before starting any therapy, diet, exercise, or any other health-related programme.